I Joined A Gym Once

My daughter is at the gym right now.
Trying to get her size 2 body into shape.
Yes, she has really let herself go.

I just went out and bought a swimsuit
that was on clearance.
And that got me thinking
about the time I joined a gym.

My children were still young and I was a stay at home mom.
I still carried that baby fat and decided
that I could kill two birds with one stone.

I could lose some weight and get in some "me" time.
I would go after my husband got home from work.

I signed a two year contract,
for $29.99 a month.
Yes, young people,
you had to sign contracts then.

I got my fitness assessment by someone that could
only have been named Candy, or Barbie, or something else
with an ee sounding name.

Had my BMI measured with the pinchy things - 97%
or something equally as humiliating.
And then on to my training.
Where I ran, and stretched, and sweat, and cried.

If we're going to be friends,
you should know this about me.

(Dad, stop reading now!)

I hate to sweat and will only do so voluntarily,
for sex.
And sometimes not even then.

So, after that first session, I was pretty miserable.
Until I walked past the Smoothie Bar.
A SMOOTHIE BAR!
I could totally be a gym person!

You had never met a more dedicated gym goer. 
I would pack my gym bag with
a good book, and my swim suit.

I would sit in the Jacuzzi for 30 minutes and then sit
and read my book
while drinking a smoothie.
And enjoy the cool frostiness without any children
begging for anything.

The Smoothies were $4.95 each.
I went 4 days a week.

Including my gym membership,
I spent $110.00 a month
to gain 15 lbs.

And that's why I don't work out anymore.
And why the swim suit I just bought has a skirt on it.

Holly

xxx-ooo