Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Post Where Bev Puts Her Toe In The Water But Doesn't Get Wet

Remember my Blurry Friend Bev?
The one from yesterdays post?
Yup, that's her.

I've been telling her for months that she needs her own blog.
And she's been refusing.

Adjective: Bad-tempered, argumentative, and uncooperative.

Ok, maybe not Bad-tempered but definately uncooperative.
So I figured it might be a good idea to have her guest post on my blog
so she can see what the deal-ee-o is all about.

I would like to say that I do not agree
with her account of the email conversation
that she claims we had.

She makes me sound completely controlling.
Hard to believe, even though Jan
called me Miss Bossy Socks in the comments yesterday.

So, Bev did a guest post for me.

And here it is:

A few months ago, when Holly and I “met”,
she told me to start a blog.
I gave her a whole list of reasons why that isn’t a good idea -thought that was the end of it.
Evidently I underestimated her determination because
 yesterday I clicked on her blog and found my picture and her version of the truth.

And then you nice people completely overwhelmed me
with the kindest (and funniest) words ever.
Holly sent me a note last night telling me that if I’m not going to blog,
then it was up to me to explain it to you wonderful people
who had taken time out of your day to encourage me,
because she is washing her hands of the whole affair.

She also said that I should include pictures in my explanation,
otherwise blog posts are boring.
And she has standards.
But I’m no photographer (also on my list of reasons I can’t blog),
so I’ll just include pictures I’ve saved of stuff I want from Pottery Barn.

So…here goes…written in Holly-style formatting…

Why I can’t blog. Reason #1:

I FOLLOW quite a few blogs.
In fact, I may have a serious addiction to decorating blogs.
 I used to FOLLOW many more than I do now.

Several months ago I noticed a disturbing trend in a few of these blogs.
People who probably wouldn’t even open the door to a stranger,
were having major, life-changing, hormonal breakdowns on their blogs.
Sometimes with hundreds of followers along for the ride.
I’m not talking about a bad day or a bad week here and there.
But day after day and week after week of telling all their business.

In detail.

Naming names.

Filters had left the building, y’all.

One week they were demonstrating chalk paint methods
and decoupage in their picture-perfect homes
and the next week we hear that their husband
is a low-life, scumbucket s.o.b. who never appreciated
a single thing they ever did even after I bore his enormous children
and I should have known better because
I’ve always thought his eyes were too close together
and what did I expect after I met that cold controlling witch
who called herself his mother and last night I dreamed
that I was flying away on a cloud and he and his
whole trashy falling-down-drunk family
were stranded on a desert island and I was blah blah blah blah

Oh my word.

Somewhere around the third day of this,
the tone of their posts would change.
Instead of focusing on the low-life scumbucket, you, the follower, became the focus:

“You’re going to leave me – my followers!
This is too much! You’re all going to leave me just like everyone else.
I just know that’s what you’re thinking. I just know it!”

Although I hadn’t been thinking that, now it’s all I can think about.

It’s just like that situation with the boyfriend in the 11th grade all over again.
The one you found out too late was needy and had no self-confidence.
Who took everything as a sign you were about to break up with him.
“Just like every girlfriend before you”, he would whine.
For the first dozen or so times he brought it up, you sweetly reassured him.
Eventually you started wondering if he didn’t have something there.
And then you started trying to figure out
exactly when you could gnaw your arm off to get out of the trap.
And you felt really bad about it, because he gave you that cool 8-track player for Christmas.

Or a kidney.

But you did it anyway. And you still feel like crap about it.

So for days, my finger would hover over the UNFOLLOW button
until one day I could resist no longer.

It’s the 11th grade all over again.
So how does this relate to anything? I’ll tell you how.

Filters. And hormones.

Or lack of both in my case.

Make me afraid to blog.

Suppose I start a blog and then I end up in the midst
of one of those downward emotional spirals that happen to all of us?
I mean, who hasn’t told too much of their business to
50 or 75 of their closest friends at one time or another?
You know.
Like telling about the time your brand new husband
“forgot” Valentine’s Day,
then panicked at the last minute and ran out
 at 7:00 p.m. and bought you a waffle iron for crying out loud?

That time.

(totally fictitious example)

But this blogging stuff is a whole different ball of wax
than sobbing uncontrollably on the shoulders of your girlfriends
and the stranger in the waiting room at the oil change place.

Suppose I started a blog and that totally fictitious situation
happened right after I just got my 999th follower
and Pottery Barn had just signed on as my sponsor?

And suddenly instead of giving you tutorials
on how to make completely useless non-absorbent linen dish towels,
I’m giving my family all the evidence
they’ll need for my (in)competency hearing …
documented in my very own words on a blog.

Lack of filters, lack of hormones and a public forum. A really bad combo.

And this is just one of the reasons I can’t start a blog.



just call me jo said...

Ahem! Well, now...I assume Bev somehow read my rant the other day that Holly was horrified at and I tried to remove but it lingered...Crap! Don't worry, Bev. The blogging world is very forgiving (except for Holly who definitely holds it against someone when they bash their own family.) Anyway, I think you have all it takes to blog--pictures, complaints and fears, and a cute little stream of consciousness style that shows the meanderings of the post-hormonal mind But I don't know...I'm practically derranged at this point. So don't go by me.

Laraine Eddington said...

You're right. Melt downs preserved permanently in cyberspace are known as "evidence". That is why I am careful not to put too much fact on my blog. The blend of fact/fiction is impossible to decipher. I recommend this method, should you decide to blog. Judging from this entry. Yours is a voice that should be heard.

ain't for city gals said...

lol..I was going to leave a comment the other day for Bev but...all I could think was if you want to gain 20 pounds and hardly ever talk to your husband again then you should start a blog!..not exactly what Holly had in mind, I'm thinking!..and speaking of Holly...yes you girl!!!....I didn't get to read Jo's latest rant before you made her take it down...waaaa...I told her you are not the boss of us!! so I guess I agree with jan and her Ms. Bossy't it funny how we all comment on each other's comments?...looking forward to reading Bev's blog...I know you won't give up on her...xoxoxoxo

Kris said...

Whoa there Holly. Are you going to come here and start bossing all of us around? LOL...Bring it baby!!
As for Bev....don't be a scaredy cat..jump in! We bitchy hormonal ladies must stick together!!! Besides, I sew, and quilt and all that jazz, and I loved your towels....I want to see what you it!!! Pretty please!!

Melynda said...

Too funny! Apparently decor blogs have more personal stuff being written on them than a boring (like mine) cooking/family blog. Maybe I need to follow some decor blogs to get a little drama! I like drama, in others of course!

PS Bev when you get a blog I want to be a follower, OK?

Deborah in Atlanta said...

Start a blog for God's sake, Bev. It's not about the followers. It's about YOU. It's about what YOU want to say. What a wonderful way to document all the things you're making, both material things and memories and all. Who cares if someone doesn't like what you blog? WHO CARES? Just jump in (just like jumping in the pool when you know the water is going to be so cold and just take your breath away). C'mon...pretty please? We all want to jump on the bandwagon when you start your blog and we're going to become followers. Please? Pretty please???

Happier Than a Pig in Mud said...

Filters... we're supposed to filter our blogs??? Ooops:@)

Bethany said...

ON the MUST start a blog. I can't take pictures either but I still blog. And if you get hormonally we'll be all "Whoa now, Bev" and let you know you're getting crazy. I think you're our kind of people should totally do it.

Beth @ Dirty Laundry said...

Bev, you are funny, and a good writer--very sly and witty. I definitely liked your guest post and hope to hear more from you!

Anonymous said...

what a hoot,, you too are made for each other,, but are you going to do a blog or not,, because if you do ,, I 'm in,, I'll be your first follower!!

Ann said...

Great -- I love it! You must be Holly's sister. DO start a blog and I will follow!! Blessings, Ann

Pat MacKenzie said...

Wow. Anyone who can write like that and talk like that and think like that and live like that...needs to share herself with the rest of us.

I started blogging as a way of keeping my family up to date on what's going on with me (assuming they're interested, that is), and posting pictures the kids can grab and steal easily. Followings and followers are just a lovely extension of blogging.

Go for it Bev

Anonymous said...

Nice to meet you. I like the way you 'talk' and your photographs are so pretty (even if stolen from PB). So, you see, you are inching closer to the dark side and didn't realize it! By posting on Holly's blog, you have opened up yourself to US! With our really fun comments, etc!

My thought is to continue to read others blogs that you enjoy and Deep Six the ones you dislike. Picky choosey is what it's called.

BUT, we know you'll follow ALL of us because we're Holly's bloggie friends and she is DETERMINED!


lifeinredshoes said...

Bev honey, you have just listed every reason under the sun as to why we DO blog!

P.S. Could you please hook me up with the cream slipcovered sofa in that 1st pic. I have wanted it like....forever!

Thank you, and I look forward to doing this again :)

Debi@7Gates said...

Bring it on, Bev. It's nothing we can't handle out here. You just have to remember what you write could possibly be seen by MILLIONS, really BILLIONS, of functional and dysfunctional folks. Other than that, your good, okay? Holly will tell you we're safe folks, we keep it real. My life is interesting, not as interesting as Holly's, but I've got blogging stuff going on; (I'm working on it, okay). So, climb on board. It can be a little addictive at first. There has been some neglect in certain areas. umgh.... I'll be your friend (follower, whatever). Deb

Anonymous said...

What a fabulous guest post ..... Bev, you really must start a blog (please!) My photography has improved dramatically since I've been blogging - practice after all does make perfect! Now I have to go and look for all these weird blogs out there!!!

Whosyergurl said...

Thanks for talking Bev into sharing some thoughts with us. (AKA known as forcing her into a corner with a keyboard and making her write.)
GOOD JOB, Bev! You write so well and are hilarious! Where is this blog that you tell us of? It sounds off the wall funny. Would absolutely make me feel better about my life!
xo, Cheryl

Speedy Lady said...

Bev, you really need to start a blog. Just sayin....

Susie Sears Taylor said...

Your man is very handsome

Linda said...

Maybe I better put a little drama on my blog...

Colleen - the AmAzINg Mrs. B said...

Geeeze...a simple "no" would do...

hahahhahahaa! You have GOT TO BLOG now! We know you now. You're "in" the gang and there's no getting out..

And, we have your don;t try to get out of this..