Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Joined A Gym Once

My daughter is at the gym right now.
Trying to get her size 2 body into shape.
Yes, she has really let herself go.

I just went out and bought a swimsuit
that was on clearance.
And that got me thinking
about the time I joined a gym.

My children were still young and I was a stay at home mom.
I still carried that baby fat and decided
that I could kill two birds with one stone.

I could lose some weight and get in some "me" time.
I would go after my husband got home from work.

I signed a two year contract,
for $29.99 a month.
Yes, young people,
you had to sign contracts then.

I got my fitness assessment by someone that could
only have been named Candy, or Barbie, or something else
with an ee sounding name.

Had my BMI measured with the pinchy things - 97%
or something equally as humiliating.
And then on to my training.
Where I ran, and stretched, and sweat, and cried.

If we're going to be friends,
you should know this about me.

(Dad, stop reading now!)

I hate to sweat and will only do so voluntarily,
for sex.
And sometimes not even then.

So, after that first session, I was pretty miserable.
Until I walked past the Smoothie Bar.
I could totally be a gym person!

You had never met a more dedicated gym goer. 
I would pack my gym bag with
a good book, and my swim suit.

I would sit in the Jacuzzi for 30 minutes and then sit
and read my book
while drinking a smoothie.
And enjoy the cool frostiness without any children
begging for anything.

The Smoothies were $4.95 each.
I went 4 days a week.

Including my gym membership,
I spent $110.00 a month
to gain 15 lbs.

And that's why I don't work out anymore.
And why the swim suit I just bought has a skirt on it.



Melynda said...

You are braver than I, don't own no swim suit here.....

ain't for city gals said...

Hey..that is cheaper than WW...too bad things went the other way.lol..I think that is why I jog...all you need is a good pair of running shoes about twice year.

Anonymous said...

you always make me happy when I come here,, and your name ends in the ee sound too, I think you great just as your are,

Val said...

Skirts hide a plethora of problems. Don't you know that why I wear them all the time? :)

just call me jo said...

Yes, my friend, now this sounds like someone I'd emulate. I too signed a contract for a gym once. It was called "Lovely Lady" or something (which sounds like a strip joint, but wasn't I assure you.) Luckily they didn't serve smoothies. I didn't like the sweaty smell and the thought of germs on all the equipment. I were swim shorts over my suit. These thighs aren't made for showing off.

deb said...

lolololol.......lets see...I have a gym membership and I havent been there in 2 years.....hummmmmmmmmmm....thanks for the reminder!!!!

Bethany said...

I hear ya, sister! I absolutely hate to sweat (except...y'know...same as you...) I go to aerobics a few times a week and then reward myself with cookies as soon as I get home.

Ashley said...

I too joined a gym once. Had to sign a contract, $35 a month for 3 years. I went a total of 5 times to go swimming. Oh and the sales guy ended up stealing my friends (who convinced me to join with her and she only went twice) phone number off of her application and called her to ask her to go out with him! She got him fired.

Elaine @ Sunny Simple Life said...

You really need to be a writer. Your posts more than any other make me laugh. You really write so well and are just a crack up. Come visit me as I love to laugh.

Anonymous said...

Seems there are many of us that signed up for that gym. In the mid-1980's moi joined an all woman gym. HATED it. But paid off the contract anyhow.

NOW, I really enjoy going to the gym, but mostly go in the winter. And I found a key to success is to NOT go everyday for an extended period of time (like all day!). Go 3 times a wk and only spend 30-45 minutes there. Then leave and do NOT stop at the place that makes lovely milkshakes....just speed on home.

Yep, you need to write a book. Fer sure.

Tammy said...

I wish mine had a smoothie bar!!

Mikalah said...

Hmm, sounds like someone I know! I also love smoothies. And I will never join a gym. I'm cheap and lazy. =D

Anonymous said...

I'm dying laughing right now, pretty sure my mascara is coming off, it's cool I have more in my purse. That was hilar!

Those smoothies look good!

Speedy Lady said...

Reading your posts always make me smile and feel happy, thank you! You are a delight!

Linda said...

You're so funny! I have a friend who eats a hamburger after she works out next door to the gym...she can't understand why she doesn't lose weight!

Ann said...

Your posts are funny and so enjoyable and often you relate exactly what I would say as well. Thanks ...

Genn said...

Oh Holly,
I knew this was gonna be good when I read the post title!!! :))))

You are hilarious. Too funny. Too funny.

Beth @ Dirty Laundry said...

ooh, if my gym had a smoothie stand, I would go too. Very funny!

Kris said...

Holly, my love...have you ever considered doing stand up comedy???? You should.

Anonymous said...

I used to love going to the gym - but then you start to think - I've worked off lots of calories, I can eat a chocolate biscuit (cookie)!! One day I will be thin again, even if I have to perform DIY liposuction!!