So You Think You Want a Puppy?

Two blog posts in two days!

That's gotta be some kinda record.
Someone throw me a tiara!

I want to talk about something important here.
But first, let's look at some pictures.

Meet Ranger.

 He was cute here.  

And here.

 And here.

But then he started to grow very quickly.

Look at those paws!

The incredible growing dog.

What?

How does this happen in such a short period of time?

How does one dog eat so much?

How does one dog poop so much?

How did he become such an oaf?

How does one adoring mom take so many pictures of her dog?

Now, I am not just writing this post to show you cute pictures.
I also want to help you out a bit.

I'm sure that everyone at one time or another
has had a puppy,
or been around a puppy,
or knew someone that had a puppy,
or accidentally ran over a puppy.


Puppies are irresistible,
if you are not planning on getting one,
then stay away from them all together.
If you see, smell or hold a puppy,
you will take it home with you.
You are not strong enough to walk away.
You have to trust me on this.

God loves puppies so he gave them

sweet puppy breath,
the ability to chase their tails and 

to fall asleep with their heads in food dishes.

This is where they get you.
Then you take one home and
God laughs and laughs.

Listen up People!!

I want to tell you why you don't want a puppy,

and offer some advice if you are bat shit crazy and  get one anyway.

1)    If you get a puppy, you will need to work from home.

         This is quite difficult to do if you are, for instance, 

         a plumber or a Las Vegas Showgirl.

         Lucky for me, I am neither, so I was able to stay home 

         and work with him on potty training during the day.

         It is also necessary for you to be home because 

         you will need to take a lot of naps (see #2).

2)     You will need to take a lot of naps.

         This is because for the first five nights, your sweet puppy

         will scream like a howler monkey on crack even though he is only

         two feet away from your bed.

         There is nothing you can do about this.

         There are books out there that tell you to put a stuffed animal and 

         and a ticking alarm clock in his bed to comfort him.

         This is a lie.

         These things will only piss him off.

3)      Dogs shed.

         Even dogs that don't shed, shed.

         I have a friend that has a hairless cat and it sheds.

         Okay, that was a lie.

         But seriously, most dogs shed.

         We have a yellow Lab (see adorable pictures above) and I have never

         seen so much hair fall out of an animal in all my born days.

         If you do get a puppy, only choose the one in the litter 

         that matches your couch.

         You must buy a Furminator.

         Seriously, people, listen to me.  This thing is da bomb!!

  

4)      Puppies are expensive.  Been saving up for retirement?

         Forget about it!

         Dog crate, dog bed, dog food, well puppy checks, vaccinations,

         spay or neuter, Furminator (see #3), leashes, microchip, collars, 

         toys (see #5), exploratory surgery because you bought a 

         couch coordinated half witted dog that eats rocks (true story).

5)      Do not pay for toys.

         Your dog will not play with the cute squeaky bunny that you bought 

         at Petsmart from the Martha Stewart Collection. He will also not play with

         the rope toy, the variety of different size bones, the blinking balls or the 

         stuffed raccoon that you bought for him.  

         He will only play with the 16 ounce Diet Mountain Dew bottle 

         that your husband brings home every day after work.  

         And rocks.

         He will play with rocks (see #4).

6)     Dogs need consistency.  If you don't want your dog to be allowed

        on the couch, you will need to say "NO COUCH!" approximately

        3,256 times a day until he gets it. 

        Once he gets it, you will then start on "NO CAT TURDS!"

        This one is extremely important if you have a garden 

        and feral cats in your neighborhood.

 

7)     If you get a male puppy, he will hump stuff 

        and he won't care who knows it.

        Most likely it will be your favorite microfiber throw or your bed pillow.  

        He will be proud of his cleverness 

        and want to show anyone that happens to come over.

     

  

  

 I hope we've all learned something here today.

So why did we get a puppy?

Because we're morons.

And he's cute.

And a pain in the ass.
I can't imagine life without him.

Welcome Home Ranger Danger.

             

xxx-ooo

Holly