Thursday, March 6, 2014

So You Think You Want a Puppy?

Two blog posts in two days!
That's gotta be some kinda record.
Someone throw me a tiara!

I want to talk about something important here.
But first, let's look at some pictures.

Meet Ranger.

 He was cute here.  

And here.

 And here.

But then he started to grow very quickly.

Look at those paws!

The incredible growing dog.

How does this happen in such a short period of time?

How does one dog eat so much?
How does one dog poop so much?
How did he become such an oaf?

How does one adoring mom take so many pictures of her dog?

Now, I am not just writing this post to show you cute pictures.
I also want to help you out a bit.

I'm sure that everyone at one time or another
has had a puppy,
or been around a puppy,
or knew someone that had a puppy,
or accidentally ran over a puppy.

Puppies are irresistible,
if you are not planning on getting one,
then stay away from them all together.
If you see, smell or hold a puppy,
you will take it home with you.
You are not strong enough to walk away.
You have to trust me on this.

God loves puppies so he gave them
sweet puppy breath,
the ability to chase their tails and 
to fall asleep with their heads in food dishes.
This is where they get you.
Then you take one home and
God laughs and laughs.

Listen up People!!

I want to tell you why you don't want a puppy,
and offer some advice if you are bat shit crazy and  get one anyway.

1)    If you get a puppy, you will need to work from home.
         This is quite difficult to do if you are, for instance, 
         a plumber or a Las Vegas Showgirl.
         Lucky for me, I am neither, so I was able to stay home 
         and work with him on potty training during the day.
         It is also necessary for you to be home because 
         you will need to take a lot of naps (see #2).

2)     You will need to take a lot of naps.
         This is because for the first five nights, your sweet puppy
         will scream like a howler monkey on crack even though he is only
         two feet away from your bed.
         There is nothing you can do about this.
         There are books out there that tell you to put a stuffed animal and 
         and a ticking alarm clock in his bed to comfort him.
         This is a lie.
         These things will only piss him off.

3)      Dogs shed.
         Even dogs that don't shed, shed.
         I have a friend that has a hairless cat and it sheds.
         Okay, that was a lie.
         But seriously, most dogs shed.
         We have a yellow Lab (see adorable pictures above) and I have never
         seen so much hair fall out of an animal in all my born days.
         If you do get a puppy, only choose the one in the litter 
         that matches your couch.
         You must buy a Furminator.
         Seriously, people, listen to me.  This thing is da bomb!!
4)      Puppies are expensive.  Been saving up for retirement?
         Forget about it!
         Dog crate, dog bed, dog food, well puppy checks, vaccinations,
         spay or neuter, Furminator (see #3), leashes, microchip, collars, 
         toys (see #5), exploratory surgery because you bought a 
         couch coordinated half witted dog that eats rocks (true story).

5)      Do not pay for toys.
         Your dog will not play with the cute squeaky bunny that you bought 
         at Petsmart from the Martha Stewart Collection. He will also not play with
         the rope toy, the variety of different size bones, the blinking balls or the 
         stuffed raccoon that you bought for him.  
         He will only play with the 16 ounce Diet Mountain Dew bottle 
         that your husband brings home every day after work.  
         And rocks.
         He will play with rocks (see #4).

6)     Dogs need consistency.  If you don't want your dog to be allowed
        on the couch, you will need to say "NO COUCH!" approximately
        3,256 times a day until he gets it. 
        Once he gets it, you will then start on "NO CAT TURDS!"
        This one is extremely important if you have a garden 
        and feral cats in your neighborhood.

7)     If you get a male puppy, he will hump stuff 
        and he won't care who knows it.
        Most likely it will be your favorite microfiber throw or your bed pillow.  
        He will be proud of his cleverness 
        and want to show anyone that happens to come over.

 I hope we've all learned something here today.

So why did we get a puppy?

Because we're morons.
And he's cute.
And a pain in the ass.
I can't imagine life without him.

Welcome Home Ranger Danger.



just call me jo said...

You must keep blogging. This made my day. All so true. So very true. We humans are just their servants and are happy as hell to devote everything to these furry messes. Ah, love.

Deb~in~Denver said...

Welcome back, you've been missed! Thanks for the laughs, this morning! Those dang puppies get us, every time! I swear when our two are gone, there won't ever be another one....who am I kidding? Ranger is adorable, though!

LALA said...

omg Holly!! so so funny!!! Maybe I could follow up with why you don't get not one-- but TWO Chihuahuas!! And yes, he has such a cute loveable face!! No wonder you fell in love!

Connie said...

You are hilarious. Have missed reading your blog a lot. Always makes me chuckle. Our little furry friends (see Furminator) lol do give us so much love. Its hard to resist them. Now thanks to reading this I decided this morning its time to "Furminate" Hopi again. You KNOW how furry she is! So far Ive gotten 4.. yes FOUR ... small garbage bags full of hair off her. That was doing just one side. Giving her a break at the moment. Sierra is running around looking at me like - no way you are doing that to ME!

Bethany said...

Oooooooo I want to smush his face!! He's a cutie!!!!!!!

Lisa Tucker said...

Well it's about time!!! Yea!!! I have missed would I know not to get a puppy if it weren't for you?....Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Nice work here, Cuz! You should do this for a living... Or maybe coach people who buy puppies ;) -KK-

sally m said...

Where's the picture of Ranger after he gaily ran to and fro through the mud bog in the back yard. A picture is worth a thousand words...although nothing is as hilarious as your words.

Melynda Brown said...

We started reading this, this morning before leaving for work. But now of course I am glad I finished it in the quiet and security of my office. Why you might ask (or maybe not...)? Well because, now that I know about puppies, we won't be getting one until my dear sweet hubby retires and is home to do all that upfront work. Whew, one less task on my task sheet.....

Kris said...

Tongue in cheek, but so very true too. He is adorable, and I know how much you love him!! But you are right on with your list!!!
So happy to see you back to blogging Holly. I missed you and your humor!!!!!
XO Kris

Tabitha said...

Ranger is so adorable! That "No cat turds" rule is so important. We're still saying it over a year later. lol

Carol- Beads and Birds said...

I just landed here and I'm going to look around a bit. In August my live in grandson brought home a Boxer pup. I guess Papa and Bama were getting too attached to him because Christmas brought us a Boxer/Mutt Mix.

I can identify with your list and love it as a 40+ year dog mom. All I can say is there goes my dream of traveling now that we are retired ~lol~

(My mutt is the one that tripled in size in just 4 months and weighs in at 47.3 pounds and growing!)

life in red shoes said...

True, all true!
We got around #2 because #1 daughter slept on the floor beside Gracies crate and held her paw all night :)

We have had 3 labs puppies, all colors. Maizie was yellow and the most mellow of them all. It take about 3 years for them to settle down and become good companions. Until then they keep you on your toes.
Gracie was a chocolate and went to heaven last fall. That's the hardest thing about having a puppy, cradle to grave.

life in red shoes said...

P.S. I love insta, much more my speed these days! I can't seem to find you there?

Laraine Eddington said...

You little stinker, sneaking back to blogging. It's good to hear from you. Our puppy is almost 10 and still doesn't know he's an old man. Good luck with yours.

Genn said...

Oh Holly, I just LOVE you and your funny sense of humor!!! You crack me up and make me literally LOL!!!

So fun. Your new pup sure is cute. But heck yes puppies are just like newborns!!! He sure has grown fast! He's a cutie. Hope he's behavin' himself now!