Why I Need to Learn to Knit Booties.

My Dear Darling Daughter, Katie,
has always said that she never wants children.
She doesn’t want to be a mother.
Ever.

That alone isn’t the real tragedy.
The tragedy lies in the fact that I fear
that I may never become a grandmother.
Because, really, isn’t this about me?

Did you hear me??
I may never become a grandmother!
No one will ever call me Meemaw!
It’s just tragic.
And too sad for words.

So of course, as I always do
when I'm faced with the possibilityof one door closing,
I look around for the next one to kick down.

And I met my son for lunch yesterday.

Immediately after receiving my salad I started in.

Me: “Do you think you’ll ever have kids?”


Dan: “Sure.”


Me: “Really??!! You plan on having children?”


Dan: “Well, yeah. After I get married and turn 30.”

Then I get all nonchalanty-like.
Like it’s no big deal.
Like the rest of my life doesn’t depend on this conversation.

Me: “Oh, that’s nice.”


And then I go one step too far.


Me: “So, can I name your first child?”


Dan: “Only if it’s a girl.”


Me: “Why only if it’s a girl?”


Dan: “Because I have my son’s name picked out already.”

Seriously, how sweet is that?
My son has actually given this some thought.
He has lovingly pictured this child in his mind.
And chosen a name for my grandson.
I want to pull out my scissors and take
a lock of his hair and paste it in a book
so that I'll remember this moment forever.

Me: “So, what are you going to name your son?’


Dan: “Optimus Prime.”


And you know what?
There are worse things in the world
than being called Opie.
I hear Ron Howard is doing just fine.

Holly

xxx-ooo

To Tell the Tooth

This is a true story.

Possibly the truest story ever told.

My son is now all grown up

but when he was a little snot goblin child

he always did the strangest things.
For no apparent reason
other than to see me freak out.

One day I got a call from his preschool teacher

that I needed to come and pick Daniel up

because he had fallen and cut his lip.

When I got to the school

he was sitting there with an ice bag on his face.

And his shirt was covered in blood.

I asked him what had happened

and he said that he fell on the sidewalk

and his tooth cut his lip.

"Let me see", I said pulling the ice away.

The lip was bloody and swollen

but didn't look too bad.

I looked inside his mouth and his front teeth

had obviously been hit pretty hard

because they were starting to turn black.

I got him into the car

and rushed to the dentist.

I asked him several times on the way

if his teeth were hurting.

He said no, they weren't.

I got to the dentist

and told the receptionist that we needed

to see the dentist immediately.

She asked if we had an appointment because

they were extremely busy that day.

I told her we did not but that it

was an emergency.

I showed her Daniel's teeth and she

asked him if his teeth hurt.

He told her that they did not.

She then went back to get the dentist.

When the dentist finally got in to see him,

he wasn't very happy that he had to

arrange his schedule to accommodate my child,

which ticked me off.

This was a flipping emergency!

He looked at his blackened teeth
and said, "Ouch, that looks like it hurts!"

Daniel told him that no, it didn't hurt.

The dentist left the room saying something about

getting some xrays.

I sat alone with my poor baby boy

still wearing his bloody shirt.

I told Daniel,

"I don't know why your teeth don't hurt.

They're turning black."

Daniel smiled at me and said,

"I colored 'em wif a pencil."

"WHAT!!!"

"I colored 'em wif a pencil when I got to school."

We left under the pretense of

being upset with the entire staff, stating,

"We'll find a dentist who cares!"

as I pulled Daniel out the door.

And then I called the insurance company

and changed our dentist. 

The End

Holly

xxx-ooo

I Need Your Husbands

I had a very strange conversation with my husband yesterday and I need you to get some translation for me. Please ask your husbands what this was all about.


I had just gotten off the phone with my son who called to say “Happy Mothers Day”.

I went outside where my husband was on the patio.

Me: That was Daniel. He wants to take me to lunch on Wednesday.

Brian: You don’t need my permission.

Me: Ummm…..I know that. I wasn’t asking, I was telling you that I’m going to lunch with Daniel on Wednesday.

Brian: Okay, you don’t need to tell me things.

Me: Okay. I don’t need to tell you things? This is a weird conversation.


Other than that strange dialog, everything seemed fine.
Being a woman, I picked this conversation apart in my head.
Here’s what I came up with.
Either:

1) He does feel I was asking his permission. (like I would do that)

2) I tell him too many things that are inconsequential (I talk too much?)

3) He was burnt out from trying to be nice on account of Mothers Day.

4) It was perfect fishing weather and he was home because of aforementioned holiday.

Please check with your husbands for me.  I'm in need of a Manslation.

Holly

xxx-ooo

And His Name is Daniel

I'll bet most of you don't know that I have a son.

I never post about him.

He's been living across town for the past couple of years.

I don't get to see him as often as I'd like to.

He's 21 and his name is Daniel.

I've always called him "Boone".

I'm the only one allowed to call him that.

It's my right.

I birthed him.

Daniel does not like having his picture taken.

He's a good looking kid, but you can't tell, can you?

Show us your face Boone!

Now take off the glasses.

Maybe if I took him to lunch he might let me get a better picture.

This one has no problem in front of the camera.

No idea what this was.

Put your arm around me and look like you love me.

Stop covering your face and just act natural.  Here,  let's pretend like we're drinking.

OH, HEY, let's look at the camera and cross our eyes!

And he's proud to call me his Momma.

Holly

xx-oo