So You Think You Want a Puppy?

Two blog posts in two days!

That's gotta be some kinda record.
Someone throw me a tiara!

I want to talk about something important here.
But first, let's look at some pictures.

Meet Ranger.

 He was cute here.  

And here.

 And here.

But then he started to grow very quickly.

Look at those paws!

The incredible growing dog.

What?

How does this happen in such a short period of time?

How does one dog eat so much?

How does one dog poop so much?

How did he become such an oaf?

How does one adoring mom take so many pictures of her dog?

Now, I am not just writing this post to show you cute pictures.
I also want to help you out a bit.

I'm sure that everyone at one time or another
has had a puppy,
or been around a puppy,
or knew someone that had a puppy,
or accidentally ran over a puppy.


Puppies are irresistible,
if you are not planning on getting one,
then stay away from them all together.
If you see, smell or hold a puppy,
you will take it home with you.
You are not strong enough to walk away.
You have to trust me on this.

God loves puppies so he gave them

sweet puppy breath,
the ability to chase their tails and 

to fall asleep with their heads in food dishes.

This is where they get you.
Then you take one home and
God laughs and laughs.

Listen up People!!

I want to tell you why you don't want a puppy,

and offer some advice if you are bat shit crazy and  get one anyway.

1)    If you get a puppy, you will need to work from home.

         This is quite difficult to do if you are, for instance, 

         a plumber or a Las Vegas Showgirl.

         Lucky for me, I am neither, so I was able to stay home 

         and work with him on potty training during the day.

         It is also necessary for you to be home because 

         you will need to take a lot of naps (see #2).

2)     You will need to take a lot of naps.

         This is because for the first five nights, your sweet puppy

         will scream like a howler monkey on crack even though he is only

         two feet away from your bed.

         There is nothing you can do about this.

         There are books out there that tell you to put a stuffed animal and 

         and a ticking alarm clock in his bed to comfort him.

         This is a lie.

         These things will only piss him off.

3)      Dogs shed.

         Even dogs that don't shed, shed.

         I have a friend that has a hairless cat and it sheds.

         Okay, that was a lie.

         But seriously, most dogs shed.

         We have a yellow Lab (see adorable pictures above) and I have never

         seen so much hair fall out of an animal in all my born days.

         If you do get a puppy, only choose the one in the litter 

         that matches your couch.

         You must buy a Furminator.

         Seriously, people, listen to me.  This thing is da bomb!!

  

4)      Puppies are expensive.  Been saving up for retirement?

         Forget about it!

         Dog crate, dog bed, dog food, well puppy checks, vaccinations,

         spay or neuter, Furminator (see #3), leashes, microchip, collars, 

         toys (see #5), exploratory surgery because you bought a 

         couch coordinated half witted dog that eats rocks (true story).

5)      Do not pay for toys.

         Your dog will not play with the cute squeaky bunny that you bought 

         at Petsmart from the Martha Stewart Collection. He will also not play with

         the rope toy, the variety of different size bones, the blinking balls or the 

         stuffed raccoon that you bought for him.  

         He will only play with the 16 ounce Diet Mountain Dew bottle 

         that your husband brings home every day after work.  

         And rocks.

         He will play with rocks (see #4).

6)     Dogs need consistency.  If you don't want your dog to be allowed

        on the couch, you will need to say "NO COUCH!" approximately

        3,256 times a day until he gets it. 

        Once he gets it, you will then start on "NO CAT TURDS!"

        This one is extremely important if you have a garden 

        and feral cats in your neighborhood.

 

7)     If you get a male puppy, he will hump stuff 

        and he won't care who knows it.

        Most likely it will be your favorite microfiber throw or your bed pillow.  

        He will be proud of his cleverness 

        and want to show anyone that happens to come over.

     

  

  

 I hope we've all learned something here today.

So why did we get a puppy?

Because we're morons.

And he's cute.

And a pain in the ass.
I can't imagine life without him.

Welcome Home Ranger Danger.

             

xxx-ooo

Holly

Do You Remember That One Time I Had a Blog?

Do You Remember That One Time I Had a Blog?

5 months.

No blogging.

I can't believe that Blogger hasn't kicked me to the curb.

Apparently, no one is monitoring 

this crap.

I'm giving it another shot.

I got a call from an old friend the other day.

She told me I needed to start blogging again.

I began giving excuses as to why I no longer posted.

"I only have my iPhone to take pictures with."

"It's too time consuming."

"Sometimes I don't feel like commenting on other blogs 

and it's bad blogger protocol to write posts and not

comment on other's blogs."

(Yes, I'll admit it, I still look at each of your blogs 

and I don't comment because I'm lazy 

and I don't want you to know I've been there.)

This is not nice and I take full responsibility for my actions.

(I probably won't change)

For those of you that follow me on Instagram

or Facebook,

you are all caught up with my life 

and don't need to read any further.

Have a nice day.

For everyone else, all 2 of you,

here's what's going on around here.

Spring has sprung in Phoenix.

We had a very mild winter unlike many of you out there.

This I know because I read your blogs.

And didn't comment.

Even though you probably needed 

to hear some words of encouragement.

Sometimes, I'm a douche canoe.

We had an issue with roof rats.

Rats!

 (not my rat)

These are somewhat common in the Phoenix area.

They love to eat the citrus off the trees.

Many of them make their way into attics.

We were fortunate that our attic was sealed very well 

and didn't have any in ours.

They were living in our orange tree though.

 This pic was taken the day we moved in and

everything was overgrown.

You can see the grapefruit tree on the left and the 

orange tree on the right.

This orange tree had been planted right up against the house 

so trimming it was not an option.

It had to go.

I will miss my fresh squeezed juice.

After the orange tree was brutally mutilated,

the rats moved into our huge grapefruit tree.

Since it was not near the house, 

we were able to trim it up and get all the fruit off it.

The rats moved on to the neighbors.

This made me happy.

(Douche canoe, remember?)

Brian was little sad because he really enjoyed

sitting on the patio in the evening 

and shooting them out of the tree with his BB gun.

They kind of scream when you hit them.

You can see why he's bummed.

We've been digging up old ugly bushes

and planting new pretty ones.

 I think we are really going to enjoy this 

Yellow Bell as it grows.

We have some purple Lantana around the pool

but decided to get some red that will provide ground cover 

under the Yellow Bells.

See Facebook friends?

I told you that you needn't continue.

We are having the front yard tree trimmed today.

This picture was also taken the day we moved in.

The tree is much bigger now.

I'd take a picture of it for you

but I'm not getting dressed to go outside 

and no one really cares what my tree looks like.

Am I right, or am I right?

 

 I'll catch you up on more stuff tomorrow.

Hopefully.

In the meantime,

Happy Birthday to my amazing husband.

You spend way too much time sitting on the couch.

You have no idea how to load a dishwasher.

I've been waiting for 3 months for you to replace the light

in the garage.

You snore like a wart hog.

You leave your beard trimmings in the sink.

All in All,

you're perfect for me.

xxx-ooo

Holly

 

 

 

 

 

In The Poor House

Not to be confused with a whore house.

Although, living in a whore house would

certainly be more exciting.

I've always believed that if there were such a thing as a past life,

I would have either been a 

Madame of a Ladies House of Ill Repute,

a Lounge Singer,

or Jessica Rabbit.

Either way, I would have been kinda slutty.

Alas, I am not.

I am just a middle aged women living in a house that is trying to kill me.

Financially, that is.

Let me start by telling you that there are so many things

that I love about this house.

I love my kitchen.

It's small and easy to work in.

I have a place for everything.

 I love my back yard.

Even though caring for it is very time consuming.

 I love that I have that ash tree there between the two patios.

The leaves change to orange and red in the fall and remind me of Indiana.

I love all the storage in this house.

However, since buying this home almost a year ago,

it is being a total douche canoe.

I am so grateful that we have a home warranty.

In the past year, this is what we have experienced.

Leak under the jetted tub causing damage to bedroom carpet.

Toilet leaking all over the bathroom floor.

Air conditioner going out twice.

Evaporative cooler going out.

Water softener leak.

Leak in the roof causing damage to bedroom ceiling.

Garage door opener calling it quits.

Tree in front yard infested with bore beetles.

Sprinkler system not working.

Polybutelene pipes replaced in garage.

Pool pump needing repair

Leak in the pool fountain

You may be asking yourself why we didn't get an inspection

prior to moving in.

We did, and all was fine.

Like I said, I am so thankful to have a home warranty

so that many of these things were covered and didn't

cost a lot out of pocket.

We have put ourselves back on a really strict budget.

Our paychecks just don't stretch like they used to.

Times are hard.

Money is tight.

The only shopping I do is at the grocery.

I don't go out for lunches.

Budgets are hard and boring.

But still, I sit here in my living room,

with my TV on mute,

listening for any strange noise that may indicate 

that the next shoe has dropped.

Seriously, how many shoes can this house have???!!

Brian:  Did you hear that?

Holly:  Yes, it was just the ice maker.

Brian:  Is it supposed to sound like that?

Holly:  I think we have heavy ice.

Brian:  That's not a real thing.

Holly:  Turn the TV up.

Holly

xxx-ooo

 

I Remember How To Do This

Did you know that I haven't blogged in ages?

Possibly no one noticed.

My friend, Jo, stopped blogging almost a year ago 

and I followed suit.

And because I want to be just like Jo, 

when she posted yesterday, I had to do it also.

I have to do everything she does because 

I don't have a mind of my own.

Many things have happened since I last posted 

and I'm going to try to get everything in 

within the next few posts.

Let's start here:

That is my mother's engagement ring.

It is now perched, along with a gold band

on my daughter's finger.

I've been saving it for her

since my mother passed away almost twenty years ago.

She's always loved this ring.

Katie married Travis in June.

They decided to elope in Palm Springs.

I was just so thrilled for them both.

Travis is in the Marines.

He is stationed in Twenty Nine Palms, California.

Katie was living here in Glendale

and they were driving back and forth

every weekend to see one another.

This handsome boy is our dream come true for her.

We love him like no body's business.

He is loving,

tenderhearted,

and just as goofy as our Katie.

They came over for dinner several months ago

and Travis asked me for her hand.

I knew this was coming so I had prepared for it. 

Here is what I had written out and said to this boy:

Travis:

For the most part, I raised this beautiful girl by myself.

I was the first person to hold her when she was born.

I was the first person in this world to even know she existed.

And I was the first person to love her.

And that love is fierce.

There is nothing I can begin to compare it to.

I would do anything for my daughter.

I live for her; I would die for her,

And just so you know, I could kill for her.

I’ve invested everything I have in her.

There is nothing more precious to me.

You come to me now, not just asking for my daughter’s hand,

But asking for everything I’ve invested in over the past 25 years.

You’re asking for all the training I’ve provided,

the money I’ve sank into medical bills,

the clothes and education. 

You are asking to reap the harvest that I so carefully tended

and protected for the best part of my life.

And now she’s a woman.

A beautiful, caring, loving, woman.

Yes, she’s opinionated, strong willed, and highly emotional. 

She stands up for what she believes in.

She’s strong, but so fragile.

She’s the most precious thing I have in this world.

And not just anyone can come and take that from me.

It would have to be a man that knows himself,

that would be willing to protect her with his life.

That would love her not because of who she is in good times,

But in spite of all the hard times.

I need you to understand how hard God and I have worked to get her ready for you.

I believe that you know your own heart,

And that you know hers too.

I would do anything to see her happy.

And that includes giving my blessing to you both.

Your parents raised you to be the wonderful man that you’ve become.

And I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

And I couldn’t see giving my most precious gift to anyone but you.

Take good care of each other.

 

 

After they were married,

Katie and Travis moved into a house in Yucca Valley, CA.

It's difficult for me that she is so far away 

but I am am just so happy for them both.

They are in town this weekend and

she is on her way over with their new puppy.

That's what I've got today.

I'm hoping to start posting at least once a week.

xxx-ooo

Holly